On Friday evening, Rohan26 opened Random Chat on strangersonline.com. His television was shouting advice, his remote had vanished, and a new stranger called Tara25 had just appeared.
Rohan26: Are you good at finding things?
Tara25: Faults, yes. Keys, no.
Rohan26: My TV remote is missing.
Tara25: And you’ve contacted a complete stranger about it. Have the local cushions refused to cooperate?
Rohan26: I’ve checked them twice. They know something.
From the television, a motivational speaker yelled, “TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!”
Rohan26: The TV is personally attacking me.
Tara25: First we’ll recover control of the television. Your life sounds like a separate case.
Rohan26: Do you have detective experience?
Tara25: I’ve watched crime dramas and confidently accused eleven innocent uncles.
Rohan26: You’re hired. Payment is one sincere thank you.
Tara25: Half upfront.
Rohan26: Thank.
Tara stared at the message. Then she laughed hard enough to put her mug down.
Tara25: Fine. But if I solve this, I want the you in writing.
They agreed to switch to a video call. Rohan appeared in a blue hoodie, balancing a kitchen colander on his head. At her own kitchen table, Tara lifted a magnifying glass.
Tara25: Why are you wearing that?
Rohan26: Detective hat. It’s the only one I own.
Tara25: Good ventilation. Poor undercover potential.
Rohan26: What’s your first impression of the crime scene?
Tara25: Move the camera. I’m currently investigating your left nostril.
He adjusted the laptop. Tara solemnly examined a potato beside her notebook.
Rohan26: Is the potato involved?
Tara25: No. I’m practising looking closely at things.
Rohan26: Any findings?
Tara25: Potato. Highly confident.
Rohan26: That’s more progress than I’ve made.
Tara25: Where did you last see the remote?
Rohan26: On the sofa. I started a video, made tea, sat down again. Then it was gone.
Tara25: Describe it.
Rohan26: Black. Long. Buttons. Slightly judgmental.
Tara25: That’s its appearance. Does it have any enemies?
Rohan looked at the television, where the speaker had begun an energetic explanation of personal discipline.
Rohan26: One, as of about twenty minutes ago.
Tara sent him back to the sofa, this time with his phone flashlight. Rohan knelt on the rug and reached underneath.
Rohan26: I’ve found a pen.
Tara25: Useful. Keep going.
Rohan26: Another pen. And another. Why am I buying stationery?
He lined up his discoveries: a small heap of pens, a ketchup packet and one black sock.
Tara25: So the sofa has an office and a canteen.
Rohan26: That sock has been missing since winter.
Tara25: Ask where it’s been.
Rohan26: It’s refusing to talk.
Tara25: Sensible. We haven’t offered it a lawyer.
Still on his knees, Rohan held up the ketchup. Tara leaned towards her screen with entirely unnecessary seriousness.
Tara25: Don’t open that. We’re investigating a disappearance, not starting a second incident.
Rohan26: Should I check behind the sofa?
Tara25: Yes. Slowly. You might discover a printer.
He checked. Nothing. Then he sat back, rubbing his shoulder.
Rohan26: This is the most exercise I’ve done all week.
Tara25: Congratulations. The motivational man is working.
Right on cue, the television shouted, “NO EXCUSES!” Rohan pointed an accusing pen at it.
A minute later, Rohan reached between the sofa and the wall. His face lit up.
Rohan26: FOUND IT.
Tara25: Excellent. Bring the suspect into view.
He proudly raised a white remote.
Tara25: You said black.
Rohan26: It’s been through a lot.
Tara25: Press something.
He pressed a button. The air conditioner beeped. The television continued shouting, now over a fresh, chilly breeze.
Tara25: You’ve arrested the air conditioner.
Rohan26: It was hiding near the scene.
Tara25: Release it. It’s got work in the morning.
Rohan26: Couldn’t I just switch the TV off at the wall?
Tara25: You could have done that before hiring a detective in a different postcode.
Rohan considered this, then turned the television off. For the first time all evening, the room was quiet.
Tara25: We can stop if you want.
Rohan26: Honestly? This is the best conversation I’ve had today.
Tara smiled and tapped her pen against the notebook.
Tara25: Same. I was going to spend the evening looking at dinner recipes and making toast.
Rohan26: Then we finish the case. The toast can wait.
Tara asked him to retrace his steps. Sofa. Kitchen. Kettle. Sofa. Rohan stood up to demonstrate, and something knocked against his stomach.
He stopped.
Tara25: What was that?
Rohan26: An unrelated development.
Tara25: Check your hoodie pocket.
Slowly, with the expression of a man hoping the internet might disconnect, he pulled out the black TV remote.
Tara said nothing. She removed her glasses, wiped her eyes and put them back on.
Rohan26: Before you say anything, I can explain.
Tara25: Please do. The sock would also like to hear this.
Rohan26: I must have put it there when I carried my tea back. I needed both hands.
Tara25: The remote has been attending its own search party.
Rohan26: I wondered why bending down was uncomfortable.
Tara25: That was the evidence poking you.
He held it up, mortified. Tara dissolved into laughter again, and this time he joined her.
Rohan26: Can the official report say it was somewhere complicated?
Tara25: It was. Nobody thought to look inside the detective.
Rohan26: I trusted myself.
Tara25: Your first mistake. My innocent uncles could have warned you.
Rohan placed the remote in an empty mug on the coffee table. Tara approved its new accommodation.
Rohan26: You.
Tara25: Sorry?
Rohan26: The rest of your payment. Thank… you.
Tara25: Received. I’d like to leave you a customer review.
Rohan26: Five stars?
Tara25: One. Client concealed evidence and made me question a sock.
Neither was quite ready to say goodbye. They signed up and added each other as friends on StrangersOnline, so they could chat again without exchanging phone numbers.
While they made plans for another call, Tara pushed her glasses up to rub her eyes. A little later, she frowned at the notebook.
Tara25: Hang on. Where are my glasses?
Rohan leaned towards the screen. The gold frames were sitting on top of her head.
Rohan26: I see. And when were they last seen?
Tara froze. One hand travelled slowly upwards.
Tara25: Don’t.
Rohan26: Have the local cushions refused to cooperate?
Tara25: I will reopen your case.
He put the colander back on his head.
Rohan26: My fee is half a thank you upfront.
This time, Tara laughed so hard that he heard her even after she reached for the mute button.
